Have you ever felt you wanted to just confide to someone (an expert) and ask for advice because your work life is like hell and your boss is the demon? I did. So I browsed the web and I found a bunch of experts who have the best advice for those people being bullied or abused in the workplace.  They call themselves Office Politics Advisers.  Now, what to write?

Dear Office Politics,

If people thought they had the boss from hell, then I must be one of the über unfortunate ones cos I have four of them.  I just have one question.  WHY ME?! (I meant why does it have to be me to go through these issues?)  I am finding employment somewhere where there’s zero tolerance for assholes.

Thanks for exerting your efforts in answering questions of numerous employees who went through hell and managed to escape.

Sincerely,

Zee Boss

Anyway, for more tips and to hear more horror stories from other employees, feel free to head on to their website.  It’s cool.

Bad bosses proliferate in the workplace as fast as microbes.  So tell me, which classification does your boss fall into?

1. The Maniac – This boss is the one who grabs asses and can let out green jokes.  What do you say about this, Maury (Povich)?
2. The Psychotic -  The boss who is happy one minute but can lose his temper in a heartbeat.  The frequent mood swings are driving the employees insane.  Andrew Fastow and Richard Snyder are good examples.
3. The Control Freak - The boss who finds pleasure in giving you pressure at work.  The Control Freak has to know everything (even the latest gossip).  Guess what?  Walt Disney and Henry Ford (who hired a secret police to spy on employees) fall under this category.
4. The Diva – She asks for X report and then during the meetings, will demand for the Y report.  You can’t be late for her meetings but she can. This boss expects her employees to treat her like a celebrity and thinks that slave-driving somebody is normal.  Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada is the perfect picture.
5. The I-Don’t-Know-How-I-Became-A-Boss boss - This is the boss who doesn’t know what he’s doing, like demanding for a website to be faxed to him.
6. The Dracula - This person never sleeps and just drains the employees’ energies effortlessly.  He expects employees to be like him – awake til after office hours. Ivan Boesky, for instance, screamed at his staff and made them all work the Friday after Thanksgiving.
7. The Omarosa - Backstabbing beeeyotch. ‘Nuff said.
8. The Corrupt – Makes unnecessary purchases then fires employees.  This is so Al Dunlap (Sunbeam). And oh, John D. Rockefeller is one corrupt mogul, too.
9. The Credit Snatcher – You do all the dirty work and this boss takes all the credit.  I don’t have to mention a popular name cos every office has one.
10. The Laissez-faire – Or should I say, “Lazy-faire”? He’s indecisive and lets the business run through its course. In short, overpaid but ineffective.

I’ve heard the stories, the complaints, the psycho babbles about how bosses drive employees crazy.  Just look at what happened in France.  These bosses must be really assholes to enrage their employees like that.  Sometimes, I want to have a chat with my lawyer and discuss if I can demand for the damages my boss has caused me.  The compensation I get for doing my job is enough but I get no compensation for having to deal with my bosses.  Hmmm… what to do?

1. Put arsenic in his coffee.
2. Join a union. (too boring)
3. Report his dishonesty and laziness anonymously.
4. Use his company email address to sign up to all the gay porn site there is.
5. Buy viagra, male enhancers, and a dildo using his company-issued credit card and send it to his wife’s address.
6. Photoshop a picture of him naked riding a bull and leave it on the copier.
7. Hire a hooker and ask her to stop by the office and look for him while company officials are around.
8. Sue him and demand for money to cover for the emotional damages.
9. Call his wife anonymously and tell her that he’s having an affair with the lobbyist.
10. Put arsenic in his coffee. (It’s so fucking easy to obtain this from the lab so he better effin’ behave.)

I can sit here all day and make up a gazillion list of things I wanna do.  What do you wanna do?

They say you have to keep your friends close and your frenemies closer. Therefore, it’s important that you know your boss’s bosse. I mean, get to know the people who hangs out with your boss. These people, no matter how smart your boss can be, may affect your boss’s decisions as well as his opinion of you. Now let’s meet the boss’s first friend: LL. Not La Lohan silly, it’s Loose Lips.

The Loose Lips

The Loose Lips

What she does: Obviously, all she does is talk about everything and anything. The talking doesn’t stop but bosses enjoy it because they get to dig dirt about people from the workplace.

Where to spot her: This bosse is almost always with your boss and his/her friends. People are actually beginning to think that she’s being paid to gossip.

What to do: Avoid the Loose Lips at all costs!

Special talents: The Loose Lips has extremely sensitive sense of hearing so if you feel like ranting and she’s within 5 kilometer radius, better shut the hell up. Remember, whatever you say, she might use against you.

Look at the bright side: Though people hate the Loose Lips, because of her characteristics, she tends to talk and network with majority of the people in your company (including the big bosses). If you know how to play the game of the Loose Lips, you can use it to your advantage. Imagine Loose Lips telling your boss positive things about you. OK, you can stop imagining now. Realistically, it’s still better not to push your luck with this kind of person.

This is awesome. Aside from microblogging at Twitter, the Boss has already purchased an office in the web. Yes. More space to boss around. Welcome to Boss Speak.